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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26120689">Though the fire’s gone cold, you’re my flame.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/milkthief/pseuds/lemontart'>lemontart (milkthief)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Day6 (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Additional Characters to be added, Additional Tags to Be Added, Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Boys Kissing, Coming of Age, Eventual Romance, Fluff, Gen, Jaebri, Jaehyungparkian, Kissing, M/M, Pining, Rating May Change, Self-Discovery, characters are aged down at the start of the fic but rest assured they are not minors, mentions of highschool, to M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 08:08:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,387</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26120689</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/milkthief/pseuds/lemontart</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Younghyun Kang was the sunshine boy of their neighborhood while the shy, quiet Jaehyung Park stays by his side, like the moon trailing behind the sun— always looking, always guiding. Together they wade through the growing pains that come with walking towards adulthood, moving to another place, losing yourself, trying to find meaning, and then finally coming full circle— going back to where they belong. </p><p> </p><p>(or, the jaebri bestfriends to ??? to lovers? coming of age fic where they laugh, they cry, and cry some more after everything clicks into place)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kang Younghyun | Young K/Park Jaehyung | Jae</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>52</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Prologue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello! this fic is purely self indulgent and they represent in no way the characters they are based from in real life. this is a work of fiction. again, this is purely fiction. ratings may change over time! title is from phum viphurit's sweet hurricane. </p><p> </p><p>this is my second attempt of a fic for the jaebri tag. i wanted to practice writing about emotions and multi-chaptered works more so here we are!</p><p>as always, this is unbeta-ed. i apologize in advance. i may edit after finishing all of the chapters.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>“Why is there a riot in the heart when we love?”</p>
  <p>—Benjamin Alire Sáenz, <em> Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe </em>.</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It all started one summer day. </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Younghyun had just entered his eighteenth year. If he were honest, nothing drastic had happened so far. Nothing like a whirlwind sweeping him off his feet until suddenly, he finds himself on a strange land. He’s still here; a little bit taller, honey skinned, smile hiding a glint of youth. Maybe his voice had dropped a few octaves lower compared from two summers ago. But that’s not something he pays mind to. </p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>People tell him he looks gorgeous. Sometimes when words are always thrown at you, they tend to lose their meaning. He doesn’t feel a rush when people tell him adjectives about how he looks, how he plays the guitar so well, and the list goes on. Younghyun likes to think he’s nothing special. Really. It baffles him how humans are shown a little bit of symmetry, a little something out of the ordinary, and they immediately think that’s perfection. </p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>If he were to be placed on a seat, interrogated, asked about his definition of beauty, maybe he’d lose his cool. Mind immediately wandering to that one hot summer day. Heat haze. A certain shade of blond catching the afternoon sunlight. Fingers pressing the fretboard and then a strum. A barre chord and a breathy voice decorating the humid June air. Younghyun had entered youth and his heart thumps wildly against his ribcage. </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>☾</b>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“Want some popsicle?” </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Younghyun opens his eyes slowly, taking in the image of the skies filling the gaps between leaves as he lifts his head from the backrest of the wooden bench. His neck screams in agony from the soreness but he tries to pay no mind. </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>He grunts and turns his head to the side where Jaehyung was sitting. “Sure.” He fishes loose change from his pockets, feeling the coins if they were enough to grant him a popsicle.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>He tries to ignore how everything is so hot— the pavement absorbing the heat from the sun, the way his shirt, sleeves haphazardly cut, clings to his body uncomfortably. His arms showing a little bit of what puberty had done. Then, Jaehyung stands up and stretches. Younghyun has to keep his eyes from staring at the way his friend’s shirt rides up, exposing the start of black garter on his waist leading to—</p><p> </p><p><em> Stop </em>. He thinks. </p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Suddenly the heat is messing with his head, awakening something once again. Something he doesn’t want to deal with. When did it start even? Four summers ago? Maybe. It’s hard to keep track. If you give it attention, it grows. Younghyun doesn’t want to know how much space it occupies inside his mind. </p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“Come on, Younghyun. We better go to the auntie’s stall already. The other kids are still taking their afternoon naps.” </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>And so, Jaehyung extends his arm out to Younghyun. The younger boy grasps Jaehyung’s hand without hesitation. He tries to not pay attention to the tingling from where their hands had been joined earlier. </p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“Race you there?” Younghyun schools his face into his usual smirk. Boyish. Carefree. </p><p> </p><p>Jaehyung smiles back. “You’re going to lose anyway.”</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Then he hears the tinkling of Jaehyung’s laugh. The way he looks while gripping his bike’s handles, the way Jaehyung’s newly bleached hair gets caught in the afternoon sunlight, how he needs to silence the way his heart beats wildly in his chest— <em> keep it still, keep it safe </em>. </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>sometimes, the heart betrays the mind long before it even realizes the damage done.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>woah!!!!! even of day already debuted and all of the tracks are so good!! here's a new chapter for celebration!! ps. this is still unedited i'm sorry!!</p><p>p.p.s. i suck at dialogue ;__;</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>It all happened in small increments, like the rain starting in small, gentle pit-pats. Until one day, Younghyun had felt like he was about to burst from it, unable to appease the raging storm nestled inside his ribcage.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <b>☾</b>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>They were hanging out by a spot near a river, laying on the grass, shielded from the sun by a big april shower tree. Younghyun had his eyes closed, feeling the afternoon sun caress his face while Jaehyung hums a tune. Probably something for his next composition. Younghyun can’t wait to hear the final product as always. His bestfriend always had the best lyrics, not that he was biased. His heart clenches at the thought.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Then the humming came to a halt.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“Why’d you stop, hyung?” He asks, eyes still closed. He wonders how the melody resolves and opens his eyes to face the older boy.  </p><p> </p><p>“I have something to tell you,” Jaehyung says, giddily. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Younghyun doesn’t know what to feel, but still looks on. It’s one of those instances where he thinks of that <em> one </em> thing he dreads the most. But he knows he has no right, so he takes a deep breath and prepares himself for the worst. <em> Keep it in here </em> , he tells himself. <em> Keep it in your heart </em>.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Younghyun sits up and faces his friend. “Now, what’s got you smiling like that?” He asks. Casual. Light. Just the way he intended.  “Or rather… <em> who </em>.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He is met with the roll of eyes, a small forced exhale, a smile threatening to burst from the tight line of Jaehyung's beautiful lips. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You know…” He clears his throat. “I got a date with that girl I’ve been talking about…” Jaehyung trails off. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The glass breaks and Younghyun feels a punch to his chest. He had already thought of Jaehyung dating, but it was different. In his mind, he just throws a happy smile and congratulates Jaehyung like the good friend he is.</span>
  <em>
    <span> I’m so happy for you, hyung! When will you let me meet her? </span>
  </em>
  <span>Smooth. Simple. Direct.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>But here, it feels like being suckerpunched with his heart ripped out immediately after. Here, he is left without any words or thoughts formulated. Here, he is unable to hide the way the beating of his heart shouts against his eardrums making him dizzy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> Maybe it showed a little through the cracks because Jaehyung immediately holds the boy to his chest and gives a tight hug. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Brotherly</span>
  </em>
  <span>.  Younghyun thinks bitterly. Despite, it fills his chest with warmth; he just wants to escape. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“Awww, are you jealous?” He asks. “Don’t even lie to me I saw how your eyebrows knit together.”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“Well,” Younghyun starts. “That just means I won’t get to play basketball with you every afternoon.” He fake huffs to lighten the mood. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Younghyun hopes the boy won’t prod further. Because it is deeper than those basketball sessions in the afternoon, the bike rides while going to <em> their </em>spot near the river, the afternoon naps on the park bench. It feels like a strange burn. But no, he won’t put a label on it. When you give a demon a name, it increases its power over you. Younghyun doesn’t want that. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“But you’re always going to be my best friend,” Jaehyung says in his sing-song voice. Younghyun wants to puke. It sickens him how he wants something other than that, <em> more </em>than that. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“You know, she’s my first ever girlfriend if this goes right.” Jaehyung loosens his arms from holding Younghyun. “If you’re mad, you can tell me,” he says above a whisper.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“I’m not mad,” Younghyun starts and he hates how he’s acting like a younger brother deprived of attention, like his shiny toy was getting taken away.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t worry, hyung. I was just kidding about the basketball part,” he assures. “If she really makes you happy, then why not go for it?”</p><p> </p><p>“You know...” Jaehyung lets Younghyun go. His voice tethering profoundly. He settles his arms on the patch of grass in front of him, absentmindedly pulling a leaf here and there.  “You’re really doing great with the growing up thing, Younghyun.” </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Here it is again. He doesn’t know how Jaehyung speaking to him like <em> this </em>makes him feel. Jaehyung was in his older brother mode and Younghyun had to take it at that value only. </p><p> </p><p>“...makes me proud I’m your hyung.”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>And there it is again, the string of words Younghyun dreads. So he just deflects like how he does whenever he feels the slightest bit of the crushing pain in his chest. “What is she like, hyung?”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Younghyun doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry as a tinge of pink starts at the tips of Jaehyung’s ears, travelling all the way down to his neck. So he trains his eyes on Jaehyung’s own and sees a glimpse of the universe— tranquil. He likes seeing Jaehyung happy. And these days, he has to accept that it’s not going to be him that makes Jaehyung’s heart flutter. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Suddenly Jaehyung purses his lips together, as if unsure of what to say next. “<em> Uhm </em>,” He clears his throat. “She’s not like your past girlfriends though. She’s not the sexy, alluring type? You know... the ones you like.” Jaehyung finishes, still looking unsure if he worded his thoughts properly. Why does he feel like he has to prove himself in front of Younghyun?</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>The younger one holds his breath, unsure of what to say. “I don’t get what you’re saying, hyung.”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Jaehyung runs his hand through his blond hair. Younghyun stares at him expectantly. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“You know, Younghyun…” he starts. He gnaws at his lower lip before continuing.  “I feel like we have a chance together.” Hopeful. Smitten. It crushes Younghyun in ways he can't even explain. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Younghyun bites the inside of his cheek. Maybe that’s what he also wanted, <em> a chance </em>. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“She may not be like the girls you dated, but…” Jaehyung scrambles for the words to say. “She listens to me, she laughs at my jokes, and I want you to meet her if ever.”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p><em> Oh </em> , so that’s it. Jaehyung feels like Younghyun is going to chastise him for his tastes; tease him for liking a cute girl his age instead of someone <em> hot </em> like the ones Younghyun used to date. Like this beautiful girl from his class, she and Younghyun dated for one summer. He was the talk of the town. He managed to make the most beautiful girl in his class ask him out for a date. Anyone would be over the roof from happiness but he strangely feels just <em> okay </em>. She’s beautiful, Younghyun can say that, but he doesn’t feel something whenever they kiss, they hug. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Pretty soon, they were parting their ways. <em> It’s just not working out </em> , she says. Younghyun just says <em> sorry </em>over and over to the phone he’s gripping; crying because he wasn’t feeling anything close to sadness when they bid their goodbyes.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“Hyung, I’d never tease you for the things you like. It seems like she can take care of you.” Inhale, <em> slowly </em>, exhale. “I’m pretty sure she’d like you too.”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Jaehyung lets out a little laugh. “Well,” Jaehyung picks at the loose thread from his shorts. “Not all of us are smoking hot and likeable, Younghyun. Boys like me need to work to make her say <em> yes </em>.”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p><em>Like me?</em> <em>What does he even mean by that?</em> Younghyun tries not to pay attention to Jaehyung’s words making his skin prickle from the sudden compliment hidden in his self deprecation. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Younghyun feels the words escape before he could even stop them. His heart was already betraying his mind and he hardly even noticed.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“Did you kiss her yet?”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>The older boy flares with pink across his cheeks all the way down to his neck. “No!” He answers a bit too quickly. “Don’t be silly, you know I haven’t even <em> had </em>my first kiss yet.” </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>In that moment Younghyun feels happy, it’s selfish. But he can’t help the way hope rushes into his ribcage, settling just beside his heart, enveloping it. He wants to berate himself. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>How could he feel a twang of happiness over his best friend not being kissed yet? </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Younghyun feels a wave of regret for not having his first kiss with someone special. He wants to feel the fireworks going off inside his bones from the sheer impact of a kiss. Despite what Jaehyung told him earlier, Younghyun was still weak. He will not deny that. He is weak, selfish, young, and guilty. And so his heart moves faster than his mind, words tumbling out of his mouth before he could even stop them. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“Do you want to practice sometime?” He asks. Dusk was beginning to envelop the horizon. He can hear the sudden intake of air beside him. “Since you don’t have experience yet?” He supplies. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Great, now he sounds like a jock. Well, it was partly true. Younghyun had lots of kisses already; soft, gentle, a clashing of lips on lips, but never one where he felt electric. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Jaehyung just clears his throat and Younghyun scrambles for an apology. Before he could even speak, Jaehyung was already standing up. “We should go, it’s getting late.” He dusts his shorts from the dirt and Younghyun feels grasping threads. <em> Should he say sorry? Was that too intrusive? </em></p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>As if sensing the younger’s mind going a hundred miles per second, Jaehyung just throws him a smile. “I’ll let you know, Younghyun, if I need help. Okay?”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Just like that, the dread leaves Younghyun’s body; replaced by the warmth of hope. <em> This is bad </em>. But Younghyun sets that problem aside for tomorrow and all the other tomorrows.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“Sure, hyung. Let’s go home.” </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Younghyun grabs his bike. Jaehyung does too. Then they pass the time by discussing their future plans on their way home. </p><p> </p><p><em> What are you going to do after this summer, hyung? </em> Younghyun asks. </p><p> </p><p><em> Probably go to college immediately. You know how my parents are. </em> Jaehyung just answers. Sure. Because that’s how it’s always been with him and his parents. </p><p> </p><p>The younger boy just hums and tries to think of his plans too and how they fit against Jaehyung’s. If they will ever cross paths on the way to their classes. If they’ll still have the weekends for both of them. Jaehyung and Younghyun. Younghyun and Jaehyung. Against the world. </p><p><br/><br/><em> Just like this </em> , Younghyun thinks. <em> Just by this he is already grateful </em>.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i'm sorry if it seemed hasty or unedited. maybe i'd edit this again. tomorrow maybe???????</p><p>kudos, comments are always welcome! i appreciate them a lot.</p><p>scream with me on <a href="https://twitter.com/dearentropy">twitter</a>.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The heart already knows what it wants, it is the cowardly brain who refuses to name it.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this is unedited, i apologize for mistakes!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>A week rolls by with Younghyun helping his mother in their little bakery. His father was away in the city, working hard to provide for their family. Younghyun has no qualms with that. Besides, he enjoys kneading the dough for the bread his mother sells. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“That’s like working out. Who knows, maybe you’d get toned arms from kneading all day,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Jaehyung had told him one time. It was a day where he had a fight with his mother for not letting him have time to do the things he wants. So, he ran to Jaehyung only to be berated.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Since then, he had no objections when helping his mother in their bakery. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>By now, Jaehyung would be on a date with the girl he likes. Younghyun tries not to be bitter with his thoughts and continues to work the dough. Unbeknownst to him, his mother was already observing him from the doorway. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you thinking about?” His mother asks softly, making her way towards him. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing, mom.” To her, Younghyun still exudes that boyish charm at eighteen. He is still her little boy, even with his eyebrows knitted and lips pursed. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really now? It seems like that dough did something to you with the way you're handling it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Younghyun just lets go of the dough, resting it on the table. He knows he can’t escape his mother’s prying eyes and worrywart nature. He sighs, defeated. Forearm sweeping over the sweat between his eyebrows. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mom…” he starts. “What do you do when you want something you shouldn’t be wanting?” Younghyun looks at the ground to hide his vulnerability. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well,” his mother clears her throat. “What makes you think you shouldn’t be wanting that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“I feel like… I don’t deserve it?” He murmurs, eyes downcast, unsure of himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, Younghyun. You’re still young. Please remember you have anything you want if you put your mind into it. Okay?” She kisses her son’s forehead in finality. “Now go ahead, you’ve done enough today.”</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you, mom.” Younghyun hugs her, setting his chin on his mother’s head. And then he peels himself from her, making his way towards the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t forget to wash first!” His mom calls out as Younghyun was taking off his apron.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will, mom!” He pads near to the sink, letting his hands run under the water from the faucet.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>With that, he tries not to think of Jaehyung too much; if Jaehyung was taking her home, if Jaehyung would kiss her, if Jaehyung would hug her like he did to him, if Jaehyung would also let her listen to him sing the melodies that were only sung when he’s with Younghyun.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>For now, he goes out of their shop. Maybe he could make a solo trip to the river today. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <b>☾</b>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The trip to the river was a long one. Younghyun had taken his time pedalling and taking in the scenery unfolding before him. Everything was serene. It was hot, as usual, but the breeze feels cool against his body. The trees provide speckles on the pavement where it blocks the sun, creating miniscule circles of light. He leaves his bike underneath the big april shower just beside the road and makes his way downhill on foot. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s nice to go to this place alone to think. The murmur of the river would juxtapose his raging thoughts and the way the honesty of his heart would betray his mind— he was in </span>
  <em>
    <span>love</span>
  </em>
  <span>. It makes Younghyun hurt in the chest; yet to determine if he likes it or not. All he knows is the feel of words stuck in his throat and how they want to claw themselves out. He swallows them down. It has been</span>
  <em>
    <span> three</span>
  </em>
  <span>, </span>
  <em>
    <span>four </span>
  </em>
  <span>summers long. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>As his destination becomes nearer, he sees two people sitting on the spot where he and Jaehyung stayed. Irritation flares up inside him. That is </span>
  <em>
    <span>their </span>
  </em>
  <span>spot. It’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>their </span>
  </em>
  <span>secret place. Who are these people even? </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Then, he hears that laugh. A tinkling in April, a warm breeze following. It’s Jaehyung. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>There he was, talking to the girl he likes. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh</span>
  </em>
  <span>, this is where they went on a date. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Younghyun can’t stop. He wills himself to tear away his gaze from the scene before him. Everything was too much to take in; the gentle way the wind blows Jaehyung’s blond hair, the way he tucks the stray hair behind the girl’s ear, the way their gazes meet and Jaehyung’s eyes widen for a fraction of a second. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Younghyun turns around and takes a deep breath. He could live. It’s not the end of the world. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s time to go home</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <b>☾</b>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>That night, when the tranquil darkness begins to envelop the world, Younghyun stares at the stars from his bedroom window. How will he face Jaehyung again? What he did was weird. He should have at least waved and then left. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>He ruffles his hair in frustration. It’s hard, okay? Maybe it’s gotten the best of him. It’s hard to admit things to himself. Not when every time he sees Jaehyung he feels his chest throb from the words he couldn’t say. God, he’s nearing his twenties, and he still thinks like a child. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>He thinks about how Jaehyung had always been there for him. The earliest memories of him had been the one on the playground. Younghyun was playing all alone, because he was an only child and he had been so accustomed to his own company. He doesn’t feel the need to play with other children. He makes it fun on his own. That had been the case until Jaehyung came into the picture; like a certain splash of vermilion on his otherwise gray life. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>As a child, Jaehyung was inquisitive; always asking what’s this and what’s that and little Younghyun had always been patient with him. Younghyun had always been there to entertain his ideas. They have become inseparable to the point they have each other on speed dial, and know each other to their favourite ice cream flavours to their allergies. If one commits some kind of stupidity, the other one is always to the rescue. Such things had earned them quite an earful from their mothers. Well, more of Younghyun’s because their house had been the hiding place, the sleepover site, the one where they lay during hot summer days, lounging around in Younghyun’s room as Jaehyung strums the guitar— music traversing space. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>As an only child, there are times Younghyun yearns for a confidant. Someone who would entertain his worrisome ideas, but also capable enough to call him out when he’s over the line. Sometimes, Younghyun feels the loneliness around him; how he’s the only one here with his mother. He couldn’t blame his father for being away, for he was working. His mother was also working; making bread, watching over the shop when Younghyun goes to school. Truth be told, his father’s earning was already enough to make them live in comfort. But his mother had always hated being idle, so she worked. She passed her recipes to Younghyun, the perfect ratio of flour to sugar, the right way to make the icing, the time it takes for dough to rise. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>When you have a mother like that, so selflessly devoted to making everything better for her son, who was Younghyun to complain? So he kneads the dough like how she tells him, he uses the perfect ratio of flour to sugar, and he makes everything with love. See, that’s the thing about Mrs. Kang— she pours love into everything she does. So, Younghyun learned how to do that too— pour his heart out whenever he deems it to be fit, and you would immediately see the effort he makes. It bleeds through his voice whenever he sings, the pastry he makes, his actions when he truly, deeply, cares. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>And so, he has no time to be selfish and yearn to fill in what he deems to be cracks, when his mother is here, pouring all her love into him. Younghyun had learned how to put his childish feelings second. He knows when to stop asking; mind berating the heart for what seemed to be selfish during this time— to go home, open the door, and see his parents together in their humble kitchen, singing their songs just like when Younghyun was a child. But, his father had to go to the city, and their mother had no choice but to say yes in order to keep them afloat. Younghyun’s mind cannot even fathom how his mother could last weeks, months without his father by her side. How could a love be so enduring?</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>He couldn’t quite put a word to how Jaehyung makes him feel. But after numerous nights, just thinking of how Jaehyung treats him and how it mirrors that of his mother’s— always selfless, always putting Younghyun first even when unneeded— that’s when he reached clarity. Younghyun had long abandoned the emptiness that envelops him during dinner, the way a seat remains unoccupied, and how he faces his mother as they talk about their days. He doesn’t know if it had grown into something far more selfish than what he had originally carried. Maybe it’s the greed in him. Maybe it’s the seed of something beautiful making a home inside his heart, taking root in the deepest crevices, nurturing itself from the white hot emotion flowing around Younghyun’s chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Younghyun exhales. He makes his way towards his bed, catching a glimpse of the guitar Jaehyung always borrows. He closes his eyes. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It will pass</span>
  </em>
  <span>, it will pass. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>He buries himself in the comfort of his bed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This is a problem for tomorrow. Time to count sheep. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <b>☾</b>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The next day, Younghyun’s mom wakes up to Jaehyung knocking on her doorstep. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello, auntie.” The boy looks unsure, he looks down on his shoes before meeting her eyes. “Is Younghyun awake?”</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Younghyun’s mother recalls her son’s words earlier when she was still half asleep. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’ll be going to the court for a while mom, okay?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, Jae, he went to the court earlier. I thought he was with you, so I let him go.”</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Jaehyung’s eyes widen and he mutters a quick apology. “I’m sorry auntie, I guess I’ll be catching up with him there.” He smiles widely and thanks Younghyun’s mother, to which she answers by ruffling his hair and telling him to be safe. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <b>☾</b>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Younghyun was on his third three-pointer when Jaehyun showed up. He takes in his friend’s form in front of him; sweaty and tinged with pink on the cheeks. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Did he run to see me?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, hyung.” Younghyun smiles at him before dribbling the ball. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Younghyun,” he greets. “How are you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“M’fine, hyung.” Younghyun just flashes his best smile and proceeds to grab the neck of his sleeveless shirt to wipe the sweat from his face, shirt riding up showing a bit of his tummy. Sometimes he likes to pretend that Jaehyung looks at him the same way he does. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Jaehyung seems to be formulating words to say to him. So, Younghyun decides to end his suffering. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wanna play ball?” He asks, feeling the rubber on his fingers, palms. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The smile returns to Jaehyung’s face. “Sure.”</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Just like that, they fall into their comforting space where everything is fine. It’s them against the world, and they will push through— victorious. In this space, the angels look over them and nothing could go wrong. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t ask Jaehyung how he knew he was here at the court. He doesn’t ask if Jaehyung remembers their eyes meeting yesterday. He doesn’t want to ask if Jaehyung saw his smile break, tears threatening to spill. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Younghyun tries not to think of the way Jaehyung’s hair was pushed back with his white shirt settling snugly on him, showing the contours of his shoulders. He tries not to think about soaring under the blue sky and the tranquility of holding someone close. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Breathe</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The day ends with both of them just staring at the sunset from their spot at the riverbank. Younghyun ingrains how Jaehyung looked in front of him— warm orange hue kissing his skin, eyes closed, basking in the warmth of the sun. How Jaehyung manages to look like art, Younghyun doesn’t know. If he would be given a chance to stay in this moment forever, Younghyun would take that chance— no matter how selfish. But it wasn’t possible. He could only hope they could have another one of these instances, and then another one, and more where everything seems to be tranquil as the seas before a storm. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Younghyun reminds himself to breathe. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“Hyung, I just told you. I’ll teach you.”</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hello! just a short update, sorry if it's boring. this is more of dialogue to prep for the next part :))))</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Are you guys together now?” Younghyun tries to ask nonchalantly then proceeds to take a bite of his ice cream. Jaehyung winces. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“I <em> really </em>don’t get how your teeth don’t hurt after biting ice cream.” </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Younghyun just laughs at the irritation and fondness from Jaehyung’s voice. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“...and no,” Jaehyung continues. “We’re not officially together yet.”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“Why, hyung? I mean, she looks cute, you’re also cute...” Younghyun swallows before continuing. “You’d look great together.”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>A sudden breeze blows through their hair, making it unruly. It was a hot summer day anyway, so they don’t mind. As usual, the quiet murmur of their surroundings just contributes to the laziness weighing heavily on their bones. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>A thought enters Younghyun’s mind. <em> When the years pass and they grow older, if they have their own families, and careers, would nothing change between them? </em>Would they still be Younghyun and Jaehyung against the world?</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Just as Younghyun was about to spiral into his thoughts, he gets pulled by Jaehyung’s voice cutting through. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“If you tell anyone about this, I’ll shave your head bald.” </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Younghyun stifles a laugh, nostrils flaring and his mouth fighting a smile. The absurdity of Jaehyung’s threats gets him every time. “Sure, hyung! You can trust me. I promise.” </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“Okay so she said, she liked me because I seem very mature.”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Younghyun just nods his head. “Go on.”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“... and then she said I must have a <em> lotofexperience </em>.” Jaehyung finishes the last part in a rush. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Younghyun just looks at him dumbfounded. “I don’t get it. You <em> are </em>mature, hyung. You’re literally a year older than me, of course you’d have a lot of experience.” He finishes his point with a bite on his ice cream, looking at Jaehyung confused. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Jaehyung just groans and runs his hands through his hair in frustration. “She was hinting at…” he then prompts Younghyun to continue the thought, hands coaxing him to say the words. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“Kissing? Making out? <em> What </em>?”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“Well!” He spoke, running his palms on his shorts nervously. “That seemed like it! Plus she was leaning close to me?”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“Wow, hyung…” Younghyun brushes the crumbs of the ice cream cone from his shorts. “Then she must really like you, huh? So, did you kiss her?”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“That’s the problem! I don’t know how! So I told her something came up, we cut the date short. And now I’m here telling you about it.”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Younghyun’s heart started doing backflips. He really should learn how to rein his feelings in.  This is not the time for his daydreams to consume him, so he asks Jaehyung like a good, level-headed friend.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“So where are we going with this?”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Jaehyung cheeks flared up suddenly. Younghyun tries to not get ahead of himself. Maybe he’s not thinking about <em> that, </em>so he waits for Jaehyung to finish. “Well, you kinda had an offer…” the older boy trails off. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“Oh…” Younghyun breathes. “That.” It was his turn to be dumbstruck by what was happening, what was <em> about </em> to happen. He couldn’t believe he’s having a conversation with Jaehyung about <em> that </em>. Something keeps lurching inside his chest and it makes him dizzy. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Sensing the seconds stretching like a drop of honey, Jaehyung decides to cut the silence hastily. “Anyway! I was just wondering! It’s okay if you weren’t serious, I respect that. And besides I could just—”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“I accept the offer.” Younghyun was quick to assure him.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“What?” The older boy stares at Younghyun.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“Hyung, I just told you. I’ll teach you.”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“Really?”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“Of course! At least you can have some experience before you go to college right?” He tries not to think of the words tumbling from his mouth and how it’s more of a prayer for him to believe compared to being an assurance for his friend. <em> At least </em>. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>And oh… <em>That</em>. They almost forgot how this is going to be their last summer doing stuff together. After this, Jaehyung is going to college. He also had his chosen program already— Political Science. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p><em> Pfft </em> , Younghyun tried to keep his laughter from spilling out. <em> That’s not even a </em> <b> <em>real </em> </b> <em> science </em>. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Jaehyung just rolled his eyes and said, <em> I better not see </em> <b> <em>you </em> </b> <em> running to </em> <b> <em>me </em> </b> <em> when you need legal assistance.   </em></p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Right. Jaehyung wanted to be a lawyer. Younghyun? Well, he wanted to be a businessman like his father. So that’s the path he’s going to take. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“I’ll tell you what,” Younghyun said. “I’ll just tell my mom you’re going to sleep over tomorrow. Then I’ll teach you!” </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“God, Younghyun. Sleep over? I’m already nineteen going on twenty! What will Auntie think?” The childishness of the excuse almost makes Jaehyung laugh. Younghyun tries to hold on to the light-hearted turn of their conversation, as if what was about to transpire wouldn't affect them a single bit. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“Do you trust me or not? Besides, we’re best friends right?” Younghyun tries to calm the storm in his heart. <em>Bestfriends right? Nothing more, nothing less.</em></p><p> </p><p>“She’ll let us be. Mom really likes you a lot too”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Jaehyung just sighs exasperatedly. He starts to bite his fingernails in nervousness before speaking. “Deal. Tomorrow. Okay?”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“Deal.” Younghyun smiles back, beaming. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Jaehyung wonders how could Younghyun outshine the sun just like that.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I don't want to fall in love // if you don't want to try<br/>But all that I've been thinking of // is maybe that you might</p><p>- jessie ware, <i> say you love me </i>.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this chapter has kissing. just making sure you're aware of that. with that being said, enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They finally settled in Younghyun’s bedroom an hour ago after chatting with Mrs. Kang over dinner. Younghyun was already in the shower. Jaehyung was drying his own hair, with a towel that Auntie had provided earlier, when he caught something from the corner of his eye— Younghyun’s guitar. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>He pads towards it and holds it gently by the neck. Jaehyung settles on the edge of Younghyun’s bed and lets his muscle memory take over, hands skimming on the fretboard, feeling the tension of the strings against his fingers rough from years of playing. He strums, relishing the tones the guitar makes. Then he starts singing. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <em> I'm stuck in this moment </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Cause it shines beautiful </em>
</p><p>
  <em> So do the streetlights </em>
</p><p>
  <em> And so do you... </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Younghyun was just about to open the door to his room after the seemingly endless nervous pacing just outside of his bathroom earlier, when he heard Jaehyung singing as he got closer. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Wish we could stay here </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Without so much as blinking </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Keep you in my eyeline… </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He couldn’t hear the last part as Jaehyung had just mumbled it. After a few seconds, he turned the doorknob and his eyes are met with Jaehyung’s. The other boy’s face broke out into a smile and set the guitar down. Younghyun's chest hurt a little. The boy, the object of his affection is sitting on his bed like it was nothing special. But in reality, it meant the whole world to Younghyun.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Hey,” he said quietly. “I hope you don’t mind.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Nah,” the younger swallows. “S’fine and besides, you’re better than me with that.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You know, I could always teach you.” Jaehyung smiles softly, eyes twinkling behind his spectacles. Younghyun has to remind himself to breathe. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He just clears his throat and says, “so… are we gonna start?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Oh,” Jaehyung suddenly sits up straight. “Yes, I almost forgot. Sorry.” He scratches the back of his neck sheepishly. A thing Younghyun had noticed that the boy does whenever he’s flustered. He must be feeling shy, but he can’t judge too well in the soft glow of moonlight pouring from his window if Jaehyung was indeed blushing again. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Suddenly the atmosphere is heavy and Younghyun doesn’t know whether to welcome it or just push this away because God, he brushed his teeth three times and flossed for two, and brushed his teeth again in finality,<em> is this really happening </em>?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    He tries to silence the beating of his heart that he could feel all the way to his ears. Deafening; a rumble of the skies before the downpour.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Let me put that guitar away,” he said. Jaehyung just hands him the guitar silently and he turns away from him to put the instrument on its stand. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>When Younghyun turns back, he sees Jaehyung sitting at the foot of his bed, waiting, towel on his neck, his hair only slightly damp now. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Younghyun takes a deep breath and asks, “Why not on the bed?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“U-um I,” Jaehyung stumbles on his words from the implication of what Younghyun had just said. He asks himself, <em> Yeah. Why not on the bed, Jaehyung?  </em></p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Okay. On the bed then.” Jaehyung stands up to his full height before dropping on the edge of Younghyun’s bed. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He looks at Younghyun. He couldn’t place what the younger one was thinking. Was he rethinking everything? That this seems like a bad decision? But why does it turn the knots on his stomach?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Scoot over, hyung.” The younger one whines. “I can’t teach you when I don’t even have space.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The older just complies wordlessly. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>So now, their knees and thighs are touching through their pyjama pants. Younghyun notes how it feels like a heat haze was messing with his mind. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He touches Jaehyung's glasses in silent permission. The other boy just nods and lets him take off his glasses, gently, before setting it on the desk beside Younghyun's bed, joining his notes and small trinkets: a ticket from the arcade both he and Jaehyung had went to, his small water bottle, a green pick Jaehyung had given him two years ago on a whim. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You ready, hyung?” His voice wavered a bit. But he had no time to think about that when Jaehyung answered with a quiet “yes”.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“First you need to set the mood,” Younghyun spoke quietly. “You cup the side of her face with your hand. Can I?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Jaehyung nods. Younghyun then cups the side of his face gently, thumb drawing gentle motions on his cheek. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“And then,” Younghyun says, “you ask for consent. ‘<em> Can I kiss you? </em>’ Like that.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Jaehyung just stares at him, scanning some sort of hesitance in Younghyun’s eyes. Maybe even a hint of disgust. But there was none. It scares him how the younger’s eyes look so intent, so careful.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Hyung,” he says, never detaching his hand from cradling Jaehyung’s face. “You need to answer.” He chuckles lightly at how out of focus Jaehyung’s eyes were. But the older one didn't need to hear that. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yes,” he answers. He hates how breathless he sounded; how there was something in his stomach crawling all the way to his chest and he couldn’t stop it. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Good,” the younger one said. “Now, when she tells you <em> ‘yes’ </em>, you kiss her.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Younghyun braces himself. His heart is beating wildly against his chest. He notices how Jaehyung is looking at him with his eyes full of sincerity and he almost bursts from the emotions he kept inside for a number of summers already. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I’m going to kiss you now,” Younghyun says in finality, closing the gap between them, tilting his head a little, and then landing on the corner of Jaehyung’s mouth. The older one had closed his eyes earlier, eyebrows knit together— not knowing what to expect from this whole ordeal.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    Younghyun could feel how Jaehyung’s lips were pursed, and he had the audacity to giggle. That made Jaehyung open his eyes. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“<em> Oh </em>, finally you’ve opened your eyes.” Younghyun smiles, reaching his cheekbones. “This is how you really do it,” he says. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Younghyun’s hand travels from Jaehyung’s cheek to his chin, gripping it gently so Jaehyung would pay attention. But that isn’t really necessary since the older one was trapped in his gaze. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    He closes the gap between them again, lips a hairsbreadth apart, before speaking only above a whisper. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    “You do it like this, hyung. <em> Relax </em> . Tilt your head a little, like so.” Younghyun demonstrates. “And then you do <em> this </em>.” Younghyun finally lets their lips meet. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    This time, Younghyun feels the plushness of Jaehyung’s lips. He never thought his bestfriend felt like this when he could only dream about this moment back then. Their lips move against each other languidly, like they have all the time in the world, with Younghyun’s lip slotting between Jaehyung’s— a continuous smooth glide, trapping the other's lip and then releasing and the cycle continues. A small grunt, a whimper. It was soft, smooth, and everything Younghyun could have imagined; maybe even a thousandfold better. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>His hand shoots up to Younghyun’s arm, finding anchorage. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    “Good?” Younghyun asks after pulling away, cocky grin on his face. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    Jaehyung was flushed. His tongue darted out to swipe at his bottom lip before saying, “Good”. Eyes downcast, cheeks dusted with a shade of red. He looked so, <em> so </em> attractive in Younghyun's eyes.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    “Want to try it on me?” Younghyun asks. He couldn’t help it.  He was still selfish and he knew he was going to hate himself for the grave he’s digging right now. But the promise of tasting his friend's mouth on his own was too much of a temptation. The uncertainty of everything pushes him to be selfish. <em> Just this once </em> , he chants to himself. <em> Just this once. </em></p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    “But…” Jaehyung starts, “I’m not good.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    Younghyun had the audacity to laugh, throwing his head back, the apple of his cheeks evident and beautiful, eyes in crescents. “That’s why we’re doing this. Right?” He said that more to himself though; to calm the way his heart was beating erratically, to berate his mind for even thinking this meant <em> something </em>. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    “Okay.” Jaehyung worried the bottom of his lip before he spoke, “What do I do with my hands then?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    Younghyun’s breath gets knocked out of him for a second, basking in the implications of what Jaehyung had just uttered. It was his turn to look down, thinking. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    “You could put your hands on their neck.” Younghyun takes Jaehyung’s hands into his own, lifting them. When Jaehyung’s hands finally settled on his neck, he had to stop himself from letting out a sound. He tries not to think about his bestfriend’s warm hands on him but he almost whines when Jaehyung starts drawing circles on his pulse, mimicking Younghyun’s hand on his face earlier; drawing gentle circles with his thumb. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    “And then?” Jaehyung murmurs.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    “And then you kiss them again.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    Younghyun dives into him once again, lips moving, sliding against each other. Jaehyung lets out a whine when the boy places a warm hand on his waist, to which Younghyun takes as an invitation to swipe his tongue across Jaehyung’s bottom lip. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    Jaehyung tries to fight back by pulling away for a second, then kissing Younghyun with a little bit of force. Their noses and teeth clashed for a bit and Younghyun bursts into laughter. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    Jaehyung freezes in panic, heat emanating from his face. “I’m s-sorry… I…”</p><p> </p><p>   </p><p>    Younghyun just cuts him off and says, “Hyung, it’s okay. Next time you could be a little gentler. Want me to show you?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    Jaehyung just nods. “Okay.”</p><p> </p><p>   </p><p>    “Do it like this…” Younghyun says before readjusting Jaehyung’s hands on his neck. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    He looks into Jaehyung’s eyes first, a little out of focus he noticed, and then to his lips before letting himself feel the plushness of Jaehyung’s lips. He parts his mouth before letting his hand run on Jaehyung’s side, and Jaehyung whimpers. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    “Can I?” Younghyun whispers along Jaehyung’s lips, almost pleading.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    “Yes,” Jaehyung answers in finality. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    With that, Younghyun puts his hand on the back of Jaehyung’s neck, keeping him in place. His other hand, running on Jaehyung’s side. Then, he closes in once again, keeping it gentle. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    He starts with worrying Jaehyung’s bottom lip with his teeth, and the boy just lets out a little “<em> ah </em>”. Younghyun uses that to his advantage and permits himself a taste of what Jaehyung has to offer. The blond boy answers back by pulling Younghyun on top of him, palm splayed on Younghyun’s nape, Jaehyung’s back on the covers as his body gets covered by the younger one’s form. It surprised Younghyun how easily Jaehyung had adapted. Now the older boy was the one nipping on his lower lip, then running his tongue in the crevice of Younghyun’s mouth.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    It scared Younghyun, so he pulled back, arms supporting his weight. He sees Jaehyung smiling at him and he swears his heart threatens to burst. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    “How did I do?” Jaehyung had the audacity to ask.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    Younghyun just schools his face into a smile. Then he says, “Very good”.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>       </p><p>    And after a few seconds he adds, “You’ll blow her away”.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    Younghyun then peels himself off of Jaehyung. “I think you know the basics now, hyung.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>   </p><p>    Jaehyung just smiles at him foolishly. </p><p> </p><p>In that moment, Younghyun almost feels the three words leap from his mouth. <em> I love you </em> . But thankfully he catches himself. <em> This doesn't mean anything. </em></p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    “Let’s sleep now? I’m tired.” Younghyun yawns. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    “Yep! Goodnight!” Jaehyung makes his way off the bed towards his own makeshift bed, covered with a duvet beside Younghyun’s. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    Before the younger one turns off his bedside lamp, he hears Jaehyung speak. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    “Younghyun?” He asks. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    “Yes, hyung?” the boy’s hand hangs halfway towards the switch. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    “Thank you.” Jaehyung smiles at him. "For everything you're doing for me."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    “Always, hyung. You got me.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    Younghyun finally flips the switch, hoping the day doesn’t break, and they could live in this moment forever. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hmm what do you think would happen?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>
  <i> You shouldn’t kiss your friends if you want them to hold you and kiss your neck.  </i>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thank you for reading &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>And so, Younghyun had finally let the final bastion in his heart crumble; just like that, white hot light had spilled from his chest onto his hands and, by God, is this what love looked like in its purest form? Warm, blinding, turning everything it touches into the perfect vessel that only makes you want to do kindness and good.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>If you are given an opportunity to feel flowers bubbling from your chest and the desire to be good, to do good, and to cherish, would you drive that feeling away?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Younghyun is filled with this immense desire to take and then give whatever Jaehyung would have to offer. He is fine with any, but deep in his heart he just knows he just wants  to be in the same sphere as Jaehyung— to breathe in the same air that he breathes, to occupy the same space as he does that they become a mixture of ideas and feelings, of sadness and joy. Isn’t that the greatest for of intimacy?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>So, he sends the boy texts, asks when the boy is free.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Can we hang out, hyung? It’s sunny today. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The weather would be nice.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>His mind wanders from time to time about his morals. Did he do the right thing? Was a barrier broken between their friendship? Are they still going to be the same?</p><p> </p><p>           </p><p>It was easier to push the thoughts aside during the day when the sun shines down on him, making the shadows almost impossible to perceive. At night? Not so easy.</p><p> </p><p>           </p><p>All of the possible outcomes of what they had done hounds Younghyun’s mind before he waits for sleep to claim him. Most of the time, he stops himself short just before his thoughts wander to another demon—the state of his friendship with his best friend that he kissed. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Perhaps, the notion that he doesn’t want to be <em>just </em>Jaehyung’s friend had plagued his mind. It’s selfish. Younghyun just thinks he shouldn't have gone through with this. He should not have given a proposition to which Jaehyung just wholeheartedly agreed. It kills him that he had replayed the scene in his head over and over until it seems so ingrained in him that he sees Jaehyung’s form when he closes his eyes; thought about the plushness of his lips against his own. Younghyun holds that feeling close to his heart; fearful that someone might see, fearful that someone might crucify him.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Younghyun doesn’t want to admit it, but it seemed like Jaehyung was avoiding him after that night. But sometimes, he just thinks about how people need space. When all the feelings repressed had culminated into a single kiss, wouldn’t you need time to think about things? Cool off your mind? Before it runs a hundred miles an hour; pretty soon you would hear the remnants of a crash. Younghyun doesn’t want that.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>But his hands itch and his mind had been on overdrive. So, he had asked Jaehyung about it discreetly a few days ago. He had willed his heart beforehand. <em>Don’t expect anything, don’t expect anything, don’t expect anything</em>, until it all becomes a dull buzz and his mind swims with the words he is not entirely sure he is familiar with anymore. <em>Do not expect anything</em>.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p><em>Hey, hyung. You free?</em> He texts. Jaehyung had replied that <em>no</em>, he was busy, and he was sorry but he’s <em>preparing his papers for uni</em> along with <em>finding a nice place to stay in</em>. <em>Sorry, Younghyun!!</em></p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Younghyun deflates at that message. But still, life goes on. Love is all about understanding, right?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Even when he saw Jaehyung with the girl he talks about—on the day he asked the boy if he was free, of all days— he just took a deep breath and went the other way. Life goes on, right? Besides, a stroll at the park is something that he does to clear his mind. It wasn’t his fault that it seemed like fate was playing games on him. It wasn’t his fault seeing Jaehyung and the girl on a date. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p><em>Do not expect anything</em>.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>This time there were no accidental glances. This time, Jaehyung looked so content without him. Younghyun feels jealousy bubble inside him, roughly clawing its way through his ribcage and then it spreads white hot. He feels the telltale itch against his chest. He wants to claw it out, remove everything that fills him with the shameful desperation of wanting to be <em>picked </em>by his best friend. But he can’t do that. It seemed like he could have anything he wanted: the moon, the stars, all other heavenly bodies. But he can’t have Jaehyung. Not in this lifetime it seemed. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Reality crushes his chest like a shoe stepping on a leaf in autumn; when you step on it just right, you could feel the give, the resistance. And before you know it, it’s been reduced into pieces— small, fragile. But Younghyun likes to believe he is stronger than that, more mature than that, he is not fragile. He is Younghyun Kang, the sunshine boy. It would take a little more than that to crush him.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>So, he just turns the other way and finds something fruitful to do before the sun sets. As he was walking, he saw his dejected reflection on a convenience store’s glass pane— eyes wide, eyebrows furrowed, and mouth in a tight line. He almost looks foreign to the point Younghyun couldn’t recognize himself. He is not that used to seeing himself so broken in spirit. In his eyes, he was strong and capable— he was supposed to be all smiles, a giver of warmth and joy. The reflection looking back at him is not. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He cried that night. It wasn’t supposed to hurt that way. He was Jaehyung’s best friend. He was the one who proposed that idea, he was the one who dug his grave right then and there. Who was he trying to fool? It’s always bad teaching friends how to kiss when you’re neck deep in feelings for them for the past years. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>You shouldn’t kiss your friends if you want them to hold you and kiss your neck. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He broke his own heart anyway. He was in on it. This was just the consequence catching up on him. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It was just a few weeks before Jaehyung would go to college for good. Time would stretch uncomfortably, knowing that he needed to talk to Jaehyung but it seemed like Jaehyung had been adamant on avoiding him completely. Younghyun doesn’t know what to think. He doesn’t want to admit it, but all this time, he had been waiting for anything, a text, a call, but none came. Desperation. He was grasping straws. He was waiting for the paint to dry. Perhaps the silence was already enough of an answer. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The desperation claws at him, unforgiving. He silently screams into the darkness, hoping Jaehyung would manifest and finally coax him out of it. <em>Why? </em> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>His mind already knows, but his poor heart cannot take it. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>☾</strong>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>One night. Younghyun couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t confide in anyone. Shame how Jaehyung was the one he’d always run to in times where his spirit feels lost. But that can’t be anymore. Something had shifted, and it’s too humongous to even put a name on it. Too huge for Younghyun to fully discern and digest thoroughly— him and Jaehyung weren’t going to talk. Anymore. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>So for now, he tries to quench the white hot flame in his chest with something to dull his senses, and soon, probably, his heart. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“What are you doing?” His mother asks, empty bottle of liquor in her hands. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“It’s nothing,” Younghyun replies, eyes still trained on the ground. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Younghyun, you answer me.” His mother had spoken firmly.  “You’ve been drinking?!” </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He can’t help but wince at the pain in his mother’s words slicing through him, rightfully so. He deserves it. He deserves all of it. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I should have brought Jaehyung here to talk some sense into you!” His mother’s eyes pierced through him. He knew she wanted to cry. He knew because he bears the biggest resemblance with his mother. He knew because that’s what he looked like lately, fresh out of the shower, staring into his own eyes before getting started for the day, asking one question out of desperation. Different from his mother’s context but still bears the same word— <em>Why?</em></p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“We’ve talked about this,” she whispered defeatedly. “If you have a problem, you tell me. You think it doesn’t hurt me that you’re hurting like this?” Her voice wavered as she asked.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Younghyun doesn’t speak. His mother bringing Jaehyung here would be nice. But how could Jaehyung even come here when he had been avoiding Younghyun like the plague ever since that night. Sometimes he wishes they had never crossed that line wherein his mouth betrayed the secrets he locked in his heart. Maybe he does deserve Jaehyung treating him like this. Maybe it’s disgusting how he had finally figured out what was going on inside Younghyun’s mind, his actions laced with malice and selfishness. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Younghyun looks into his mother’s sad eyes, the ones that always looked at him with love and adoration, now brimming with tears. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I love him,” He whispers. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“What?” his mother whispers, unbelieving. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I love him.” Then the tears started to fall and now he’s clutching his mother’s arms as anchorage, to ground him from the impact and intensity of his words. The weight of it all setting him free and also grounding him in his reality. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Oh, Younghyun.” His mother just cradles her son’s face and leads him to the crook of her neck, patting her son’s back as he heaves and cries like a child unguarded. “Younghyun, why didn’t you tell me?” she whispered. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>But Younghyun just let the tears fall until it ran to the side of his face, dripping on his tee.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>After a lot of consoling, she asks her son, “What do you want to do then?” His mother’s face was illuminated by his little fox nightlight, casting an orange glow.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Younghyun just stares at the wall of his bedroom, willing the memories of what had conspired away, “He’s dating someone else.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>His mother doesn’t prod further, thankfully she lets him be. “The sun may shine or the rain can beat you down, but my son, I’ll always be here. Okay? The world is so big, Younghyun.” She gently strokes her son’s hair, like when he was still a fragile baby and she was as happy as she could be for having a son. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You haven’t even conquered half of the world. There’s something out there, destined for you when you’re greater.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Thank you, mom. Really.” With that he kisses his mother’s cheek and she ruffles his hair back. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Promise me not to drink anymore?” She asks. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yes.” He answers. Voice hollow even to his ears.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>☾</strong>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Unfortunately, he doesn’t hold up to that promise. Whenever he does things recklessly, he utters a word of apology to his mother. A silent prayer, an atonement.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p><em>Forgive me for the ways I try to kill my sadness</em>.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>A few weeks ago, Jaehyung had already gone to the city without a word, without a trace. Just like that he drove away from Younghyun and memories they had together. At first Younghyun was in denial. Maybe Jaehyung had just forgotten to call and he was busy adjusting to his new life. Younghyun had tried to console himself that, sometimes, the distance was necessary. They don’t have to talk together all the time, they don’t have to message each other everytime; even when Jaehyung didn’t even say when he was leaving. Younghyun tries to understand. Younghyun tries not to pry.</p><p> </p><p> But then days turned to weeks, and weeks turned to months. Denial turned to anger. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Younghyun wants to cry for his decisions, his tomfoolery. But he wonders if Jaehyung even saw him as a friend. Did he not deserve even a letter of farewell? Of explanation? Younghyun knows in his heart it is not in his place to be selfish, but not a word even from Jaehyung?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t know what to feel or what to do. He cried on the first three days since realizing. But then he picked himself up. He would only be wasting time waiting for answers which will never come to him. Jaehyung was out of his life for good. Maybe he deserved it for being selfish and thinking of himself only. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>So, Younghyun attempted to start a new life; rebrand himself into someone stronger. Someone who doesn’t tear down his walls easily. Someone different from when he was younger. He finally deleted Jaehyung’s phone number, their message history, and even made new SNS accounts. But, as foolish and stubborn as he was, he didn’t change his personal phone number. People didn’t ask him why. But for the first few nights, he tries to persuade himself for something even he can’t name.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Changing my phone number is too much of a hassle.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> I’d have to message my relatives my new number too. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Besides, my mom and dad are so accustomed to this number already. </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>No one has ever asked him about his number though. But he still tells himself those same reasons <em>over and over</em> again why he still kept his old digits. Nothing serious really. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>And so, Younghyun had started fooling around again. This time, he looked more like an adonis than the past summers. He had become more tanned by spending the days biking along the riverbank and more toned by helping his mother with their bakery. He has grown more handsome and he knows, but he doesn’t speak about it. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>            They say his kisses taste like the cool morning and his hands wander like a man trying to imprint the figure of another body into his frame.<em> This is how you feel close, this is how we huddle for warmth. </em>Younghyun thinks this fire would suffice; his winter wasn’t even that bad at all. <em>Not at all</em>. But why do his hands still feel cold despite the sweat trickling from his forehead, to his neck? Despite the proximity of him and a body underneath his figure, breaths mingling into one miniscule space?</p><p> </p><p>            Younghyun just lets his body do the talking.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> <strong>☾</strong></p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Part of his charm, if you’d ask the girls in his class, was being broody. He goes to class with his school polo open, black shirt inside, hair dyed with a faded purple. His multiple piercings draw attention. A small part of his mind thinks, <em>would Jaehyung have recognized me right now</em>? But he forces the delusion out of his head. Of course, if Jaehyung had truly cared, if he had even a semblance of friendship with him, he wouldn’t have disappeared without a trace. Younghyun tries not to think about that often, but it creeps inside his mind when he’s letting the dough proof, when he’s walking along the riverbank, and especially when he’s trying his hardest to let sleep claim him as he stares at the ceiling. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He stopped waiting for the summers and started counting by winters. It’s been one winter since Jaehyung had walked away from his life. At this time, he started to think that maybe he <em>did </em>deserve what happened. He took advantage of Jaehyung’s inexperience and shaped that into something that would further his wants. He feels disgusting. So he tries to erase it from memory by filling his cracks with other people, treating them well each time as an atonement for his sins until he sabotages himself, feeling the heavy weight on his shoulders until he closes up and begins to isolate himself. Then they leave. What scares Younghyun is that it doesn’t hurt. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>His mother doesn’t know, and God forbid she discovers what he had been doing. So, he learned to crack a smile whenever he’s with her, never forgetting to ask how about her day like the good son that he is. Well, he may have been a reckless student, but he still had his grades up and he still loved his mother dearly.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>So, it was not surprising to find out that Younghyun had been aiming for a top university. Of course, he has periods of recklessness, instances he would never tell his mother about. But still, he was smart. A little rough around the edges, heart locked far away, but he still had his dreams. For now, that’s what helps him stay afloat. It keeps him busy. It keeps him from remembering. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>And so, his last year rolls by like a warm breeze in the summer. He had been working extra hard on his grades and spending most of his time either studying or helping in their bakery. Sometimes his father would come home from the city and spend days in their home, asking what Younghyun was doing, how were his grades, and what were his plans. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Younghyun answers the usual. He was great. His grades are also nice. He plans to enroll in a top university in the city. His program would be something like business management. That puts a smile on his father’s face and then they would go out somewhere and go fishing. His mom would close the shop for the meantime, and they would spend the day just bonding. Younghyun cherishes moments like this the most. Here, he feels protected from the harsh reality around him. With his parents, he is safe. Like how he was when he was just seven. Unaware, very happy. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>After the grueling hours of studying during his senior year, Younghyun had finally graduated. His father did not have time to come home unfortunately, but his mother was enough to fill his absence. The leaves were swaying in the breeze and the air was decorated with pink petals everywhere. Spring again. He tries to swallow the lump in his throat brought about by the way spring had meant so much to him. That means summer is coming soon like a promise. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He tries hard to not think of how he had seen glimpses of blond, gold catching the afternoon sunlight, and the promise of being there by his side until he graduates. Younghyun tries not to clench his hand holding the flowers his mother gave him. <em>Breathe. It will pass.</em></p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Younghyun!” He and his mother turn their heads towards the voice. It turned out to be a photographer classmate of his. “On three, smile!” </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>His mother still looks as beautiful as always as she glanced at the camera. She had her own hurt inside her heart that she carries up to this day, but she still poured love over Younghyun’s cracks until he would heal. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Youngyhun smiles, looking at the lens. He just hopes the smile reaches his eyes too.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>kudos, comments are always welcome! i appreciate them a lot.</p><p>scream with me on <a href="https://twitter.com/dearentropy">twitter</a>.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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